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Be Prepared
by Amphitrite
Okay, so I was bored. (Again). And Lel suggested a prank to make Voldemort and the Death Eaters to perform a giant musical number at the Final Battle. It sounded like a good idea at the time...
Harry sat gasping in bed, having just woken up from one of the most terrifying dreams he'd ever had. He scrabbled for his glasses on the bedside table, shoving them on and switching on the light, looking around as his and Draco's room was thrown into view. Satisfied that this was, in fact, his shared bedroom in the Den, he calmed down somewhat and started breathing more normally.
Draco yawned and stretched over from his bed, blearily opening his eyes. “What's wrong with you?”
“Bad dream,” Harry replied between deep calming breaths.
Draco frowned, his brow crinkling. “Was it to do with Voldemort?”
“Yes, but it's not the usual.” Harry wondered how to explain it. “He was…singing.”
Draco blinked at him, propping himself up on his bed. “Singing?”
Harry nodded. “And the Death Eaters. Singing a Disney song.”
Silence reigned for a few moments, before Draco threw himself onto his side and stuffed his sheets into his mouth to try and keep from roaring with laughter.
“Oi!” Harry looked at him, annoyed. “It might sound funny but let me tell you, it was terrifying!”
Draco rolled back onto his side, gasping deep breaths. “I'm sure it was…” It took a few more minutes to properly recover. “Hey,” he said, once his breathing was back to normal, “that gives me an idea…”
The Final Battle, a year or so later
“So everyone knows what to do?” Draco whispered, in a huddle of Pride members plus the Weasley twins.
He was greeted with a sea of nods.
“Is everything in place?” Harry asked, the question mainly directed at the Weasley twins.
“Yep,” replied Fred.
“And if they don't work, I'll eat my twin,” said George.
“Hey!”
“Okay,” Harry cut in quickly. “Are we sure that everyone else has been notified of what's going to happen?”
“We sent round word three or four times,” said Hermione. “If they still don't know, it's their own fault for not paying attention.”
The ten teenagers nodded at each other, and broke apart to take each of their positions to prepare for what was going to be the most spectacular battle in the history of the universe.
As Voldemort and the Death Eaters surrounded Hogwarts Castle, they were unwittingly walking into traps planted by Fred and George, not unlike the invisible net used to make Umbridge walk to the Astronomy Tower and moo. This time, however, it was with spells researched by Hermione based on the ones they'd used to enchant the toilets.
One by one, the black-clad figures abandoned their stealthy paths up to the castle and assembled on the front lawn, as a large sea of black swirling robes and white masks. Then they parted down the centre, letting a solitary figure walk down the passage.
Voldemort, the most powerful, evil dark lord in a century, strutted towards his awestruck audience, belting out his song.
I know that your powers of
retention
Are as wet as a warthog's
backside
But thick as you are, pay
attention
My words are a matter of
pride
He reached the front and turned to the foremost Death Eaters, the black eyes of their masks staring straight ahead.
It's clear from your vacant
expressions
The lights are not all on
upstairs
But we're talking heroes and
successions
Even you can't be caught
unawares
He reached the center again after taking a few steps in each direction, turning to face the front with a magnificent flourish of his cloak.
So prepare for a chance of a
lifetime
Be prepared for sensational
news
Voldemort gestured a huge, almost graceful arc with one arm, before breaking into a stage tiptoe on the grass in time with the beats of the next few lines.
A shining new era
Is tiptoeing nearer
A Death Eater at the front pulled off her mask to reveal Bellatrix Lestrange, who then faced Voldemort, confronting him.
And where do we feature?
He pinched her cheek, looking like a frightening mutation of a grandfather.
Just listen to teacher
Another swirl, and he turned again to strut in front of his followers.
I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
When at last I am given my
dues
And injustice deliciously
squared
Be prepared!
A few other of the Death Eaters pulled off their own masks now.
“Yeah, Be prepared,” cackled Amycus Carrow. “Yeah-heh…we'll be prepared, heh.”
His sister Alecto looked slightly confused. “…For what?”
Voldemort swept into position in front of her. “For the death of the Minister!”
“ Why? Is he sick?” Lucius asked anxiously.
“No, fool—we're going to kill him! And Potter, too.”
“Great idea!” enthused Bellatrix. “Who needs a Minister?”
The unmasked Death Eaters all linked arms and skipped around. “No Minister! No hero! La-la-la-la-laa-laa!”
Furious, Voldemort broke into their skipping. “Idiots! There will be a ruler!”
Amycus looked confused this time. “Hey, but you said, uh…”
Voldemort once again flourished wildly with his cloak. “I will be Lord! Stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!”
The Death Eaters all started skipping again. “Yaay! All right! Long live the lord!”
And then all the other Death Eaters in the crowd all joined in as well, taking off their masks and skipping around.
“Long live the lord! Long live the lord!”
It's great that we'll soon be
connected.
With a king who'll be all-time
adored
Voldemort started singing again, and all the Death Eaters froze.
Of course, quid pro quo, you're
expected
To take certain duties on
board
The future is littered with
prizes
And though I'm the main
addressee
The point that I must emphasize
is
You won't get a sniff without
me!
So prepare for the coup of the
century
“Oooh!” sang the Death Eaters, still from their frozen positions.
Be prepared for the murkiest scam
“Oooh…La! La! La!”
Meticulous planning
“We'll have food!”
Tenacity spanning
“Lots of food!”
Decades of denial
“We repeat—”
Is simply why I'll
“Endless meat!”
Be king undisputed
“Aaaaaaah…”
Respected, saluted
“…aaaaaaah…”
And seen for the wonder I am
“…aaaaaaah!”
Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared
“Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo…”
Be prepared!
And then they all joined in, in a loud chorus, stretching their mouths and baring their teeth.
Yes, our teeth and ambitions are
bared
Be prepared!
And then all fell still. Even Voldemort and his backing singers had frozen once more in their positions.
In theory, now would be the best time for the forces of Light to round up all the Death Eaters and Voldemort. In practicality, they were all too busy laughing.
“That,” Draco said, grinning widely, “was even better than I'd hoped for.”
Review? Purdy please?